Spend Money On This: The New iPad

One of the reasons you probably read sites about technology is to deduce which technological thingies you should buy. Welcome to Spend Money On This.

A brief preface: Spend Money On This may seem to overly tie technology to vapid acts of consumerism, but the fact of the matter is, much of the way we experience technology day to day in our personal lives is through the things we buy. (What are you reading this on?) A lot — the vast majority, even — of technology products are total shit, though. So here we are, telling you things that are not.

This week you should buy the new iPad. Yes, it's sort of obvious to say. But that doesn't make it less true. I mean, if you're thinking about getting one or any tablet at all, really, but aren't super sure. And you have the money. Then yes, you should buy one. (If you are already convinced, here is a launch day buying guide for Friday, since you're screwed on pre-orders at this point. Though I recommend 16GB Wi-Fi in black — maybe the 32GB model if you're worried about ballooning app sizes. If you must buy a wireless model, buy Verizon.)

I haven't touched one yet. And there aren't any reviews out yet (well, mostly), but iPhones and iPads are kind of like review-proof Hollywood blockbusters that make kajillions of dollars, except that they actually do tend to be better than anything else out there, like if every one of those movies was The Dark Knight. This is maybe less true for the iPhone than it used to be, but it's so mindfuckingly true for the iPad that thinking about it too much makes it feel like somebody is pressing on my skull really hard with a pair of giant Android tablets, the way Army dudes would clap their junk between a couple of boards of wood when they got gonorrhea. The iPad is the best tablet, and will be for the foreseeable future.

Why get this iPad? Well, there are better times to jump into products than others. Generational shifts. The upgrades that matter. The retina display is an upgrade that really, really matters. It literally changes the the way you see everything on the iPad, which is a big deal, because the iPad is basically just a display. A way to see things.

It's a computer thing that you can take to bed and not feel weird about. Well, it is kind of weird, but not as weird as taking a laptop to bed. It doesn't burn your crotch or your stomach, anyway. When I had an iPad, I mostly used it to read. Fake printed words on fake paper. Text. And the new iPad's display is going to be more super crisp more paper-like, in terms of clarity, than any other tablet thing in existence.

Maybe you won't use it to read or to watch Netflix, but the thing about the iPad — to quote myself — is that it does have the marvelous ability to more or less melt away and become whatever developers make out of it. My killer app isn't necessarily your killer app! And we're reaching this wonderful point where there are going to be tons of killer apps, not just a handful, so there's a good chance your killer app is there or will be soon.

So I'm pretty excited about buying one. I would be too, if I were you.


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