The Weird Guys Who Ask You Out Online By Proposing

Everybody has their own tactic for internet dating, like the creepy finance guy with the spreadsheets . These guys? They go straight for the marriage proposal. Ew.

The A(n)nals of Online Dating is a new weekly column about How We Date Now, from the proprietor of the website of the same name, showing the best of the worst internet dating has to offer.

In the real world, talking about marriage with a potential love interest is tricky territory. What you probably don’t do is walk up to a total stranger, tell them you want to get married, and then discuss your inevitable divorce. What you definitely don’t do is walk up to several total strangers, tell them all you want to get married, and then discuss your many inevitable divorces with all of them at the same time.

That’s the real world. Online dating is a different game, and there’s a whole creepy cohort of men out there who think it’s cute to propose marriage and divorce over OK Cupid. Because these men clearly have excellent judgment, they also send nearly identical marriage messages to dozens of women. Then I have the sad job of saying, “Girl, I’m sorry, I know this will come as a shock because you thought you were special and this internet proposal was real, but homeboy is cutting and pasting it all over town.”

Look at this guy, whose identical communiqué was submitted to A(n)nals by at least three different gals:

So… I messaged you just to chat but I’m kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you’re giving me your number because I’m too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have that dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other’s friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you’re stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I’m careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That’s just too sad. Think about the children. For God’s sake, if you chat with me and we hit it off, let’s just keep it sexual, because we both know where it’s going.

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